For years I've been wondering if one day my broken heart could be mended.
The story of my life has to be told to heal the wounds that were left behind by the abuse and the pain that I suffered in his hands, I want to spread the word against domestic violence around the world and hope that one day abuse of all kinds come to an end.
My perpetrator was a charming man with a lot of secrets, he was not your regular typical guy~he came from a good loving family, a family which today I proudly call my family. He showed no signs of being an abusive, possessive, controlling man, nonetheless a man with addictions.
He owned me from the moment he set his eyes on me, from the first smile~ he was the owner of my body, my days and my nights~I was a foolish teenager in love. I am not sorry for loving him the way I did~he indulged me with his kisses making me weak in every way, nothing else mattered to me when he was around me~ He controlled me.
Then one day, he swept me off my feet completely~he married me~I was carrying our first child, I was so happy, not knowing what was waiting for me three days later. The devastating loss of our child will never leave my head and the broken heart will never be mended~ I should of walked away then.
I will never forget the pain, I will never forget the crying sound for that one second or two, the feel of those little hands that never got the chance to touch mine~the life that was taken from me, the heart that stopped beating that day was not just my child's it was mine, the worst part is my perpetrator tried to mend the heart with a card and a bandage~ wow a bandage.
He tells me not to cry to look at it as a good thing, we were both too young and not ready for a child~I was not sure of him, but the baby common, 6 1/2 months in my belly, I was ready~but his anger as usual got the best of him sending me to the hospital and losing our baby~and all he could say is don't worry we can try again~take this card with a broken heart to mend that one I've just destroyed.
Everyday I feel my heart beating and because of it~I know I'm alive. I have been on a stand still mode for a while waiting to come out to the surface, I know I'm out here somewhere, but I can help myself but to wonder~it's anyone listening to my words, can the people around me, really see me? Do they know me? the real me.
Maybe I hear my heart beating but I'm dead inside from all the pain I've suffered, the broken heart~perhaps my heart never healed. So many tears I cried and nights I spend alone waiting for someone to rescue me from the suffering, from the horror I was living~how did I do it? How did I stayed alive?
~yet my heart still beating,
I became his prisoner, I was trapped I wanted to leave him right after I lost the baby, but he only made me feel sorry for him and for what he had done.
he cried for days apologizing for kicking me in the stomach the way he did. I never told a soul~I promised him not to tell, that was my first big cover up.
He promised me never to hurt me again.
The broken heart was later mended with the birth of my second child Terry, she was a blessing from the heavens a miracle from God, another child born under the abuse of a man who promised not to hurt me~ yet drove me to a heart-attack due to severe stress, causing my baby to be born 4 months premature weighing 1 pound 4 ounces at birth.
After the birth of my daughter the Doctors said I was never going to have children again, 7 years later I was blessed with a Son R.J. The abuse never stopped, my entrapment was worst.
What had started as love at first sight turned into the worst nightmare I had ever experienced.
Until next time.....
Jeannette
